I Don't Know Where I'm Going ... But I'm Going!

.... are you coming with me?

I'm trying this "social media" thing.  As you can see by the side bar I somehow managed to figure out how to add this "widget" ... I am now a "twitter"er. 

My daughter rolls her eyes. 

Just what the world needs.  A 50 year old that Facebooks AND Twitters.  If the kids could fake my signature I'm sure they would 'self commit' me to the furthest institution.

But in this world of BUSYBUSYBUSY it's become the way to communicate a bit of what your life is like to people that you just can't seem to find the TIMETIMETIME to see in person.

It's a ridiculous excuse and to all I should be calling, visiting, drinking with ... I apologize.  Trust me, I would much rather be having a coffee with you at your kitchen table or a glass of wine sitting beside you on a bar stool than I would by sending my menopausal sentiments across the internet.

I like to see the crinkles in the sides of your eyes when you laugh.  I love to hear your laugh... and you can't really get the whole idea of the drama in my story if you don't get to see me waving my hands around while I tell it!

I also just got an iphone.  Not that I'm a stranger to cell phones, but this is a bit different to operate and as much as I can be a slow learner with this technology, there's stuff I find amazing about it.  There is some woman named Suri living inside it and she apparently knows even more than I do. 

And I know quite a lot :)

For instance, Suri can find you a hooker....although she admits that they are not nearby. 

Good to know Suri.

As you get to know me you will learn, even if you're not paying close attention, that:

- I am a Powerlifter.  That deserves a capital P.

 It's an awesome sport and it makes me SuperPumpedUpSparkly Awesome.  (I like using the word 'sparkly'.  I just do. Don't read into it:) )

- I choose to live a healthy lifestyle that includes eating clean (with the occasional perogie party and emotional almond butter inhaling), yoga, meditation and tire beating: 

(This is not me.  This is my friend Jeff King who runs Garrrrrage Gym in Hamilton.  He taught me to beat a tire.  I am forever grateful for this RAGE outlet, LOL.  I am not as hairy as Jeff - just so you know!)

- I love to sing and I can be pretty good most times.  Even if you haven't had a drink or two! My lifetime dream is to sing with Garth Brooks and Reba McEntire.  Maybe if I marry a corn farmer in Oklahoma we will all end up in the same old age home together and then the magic will happen.  I've never been to Oklahoma.  Don't know how I'll find a farmer from there....

- I used to be a BIG GIRL (see a few posts below) ... and now I'm not ... but I always wrestle with that vision in my head.  I have 'body issues' as my daughter would say.

- I am passionate about trying to make my community, my city and actually my world - our world - a bit better place.  It's my heart and my gut.  I get a bit crazy-coo-coo-wild-eyed enthusiastic about it. 

- I have a political crush on Cory Booker :)

I intend to fill up this space with random ramblings about all of these things. 

And  now.... I need to figure out how to use the video on the phone...and post these random ramblings in person!

Come on... you knew it was coming!

Surround Yourself with Success!

First you get started....then you get up to speed...then you maintain. 

Precision Nutrition.  Heard of them?  Well, read this and meet some of the people and some of the reason that I have managed to be me.  The person I always saw in the mirror - my mirror - that the rest of the world could not see past.

Except for the best and the rare.

My peeps :))

Read & believe!

http://www.precisionnutrition.com/maintain-your-weight-loss

A Bit from the Past

This is My Journey – Guest Post by Linda McFeeters

December 12, 2010 By Adam 23 Comments

One of the things I LOVE about being part of Strong is the New Skinny is all the incredible people I get to meet. My new friend Linda McFeeters just happened to post on SINS about her training goals and a bunch of weight she lost. I can be pretty impulsive at times and I just reached out to Linda and asked if she wanted to tell her story in a guest post. I just KNEW it was a good one. It was a gut feeling. Linda didn’t disappoint! Here’s an incredibly inspiring story from a strong woman who has seen, heard and felt stuff that ALL of us have at one time or another. Here’s what SHE chose to do with it… -Adam

I never knew I was fat until the first day of kindergarten…

Until kindergarten I was perfect in my little world. I was adored. The very first day of school my little world got blown apart.
I remember what I was wearing. Now, let’s remember it was the 60’s! An a-line dress in a geometric print of orange, yellow, blue and green with a peter pan collar, sewn by my mother, and orange fishnet stockings. All the children sat cross legged on the floor around the piano bench where our teacher sat. A hole sprang up in my stockings….my ‘pudge’ squished out between the bits of fishnet…the hole got bigger and more of the fat on my legs pushed through. Then I could sense it. The heads turning to look. The furtive glances between my new ‘friends’. The giggles hidden behind tiny hands. I stayed inside the cloak room during recess, trying to push my fat back into the stockings to no avail. I hated my fat legs.

I still do.

I learned through the years that to be accepted, and fat (because that is truly what it is although we politely use words like chunky, husky, big girl, large) you better have one hell of a good personality. I learned to be the fun one, the understanding one, the smart one, the kind one. And I learned how to work my way around being the fat girl. But through every year there was always at least one…and sometimes many….who called me names…loudly….in the hall, on the bus, out passing vehicle windows, behind my back and to my face. I never let them see me flinch. That was saved for my heart, my soul…deep inside.
There were years of diets. Fad foods. Needles, ‘vitamins’, pee-sticks, baked white fish and steamed celery. Cabbage and grapefruit. The lists are endless. Many worked for awhile but always the weight would come back on and always more than before. With baby Number 1 I gained 40lbs that never went away. Along came baby number 2 and another 25lbs that never got lost. From that point on it just kept coming back on.higher and higher… Eventually I weighed in at my heaviest ‘known’ weight – 306 lbs.

Walk until I can’t think anymore or can’t move anymore…

At a very low point in my life, and after being diagnosed with severely high blood pressure, I laid on the couch one night, a big glass of wine beside me, my hand dipping back and forth from chip bag to mouth and I thought to myself “I could die like this. This is how I could end up killing myself. If I don’t stop doing this I AM going to die…or … I could get up and walk on that treadmill in the corner…walk until I either can’t think anymore or can’t move anymore”. So I got up and got on that machine. I walked and walked, cried and cried and walked some more. I walked until I couldn’t walk anymore. Eventually I realized that my time spent moving helped clear my head. Made me feel better….happier. Within a few months of that, I started getting up before daylight and walking outside..in the dark..so no one would see me and make fun. As the season changed, daylight came earlier and I found people waving at me as they drove by – not making fun of me. My confidence increased. I met people on my road that I had never spoken to before. As I walked and felt better about myself, I began to watch what I was eating and over the course of the summer I lost 40lbs.
Then I moved houses. And then I stopped walking. The fear of new people in my neighbourhood kept me inside. Again fearful. Again the weight crept up. A year into my new home, for some strange reason that still evades me, I signed up to walk a marathon. A huge public event. No small feat to be taken lightly. I garnered my only friend I had at that time who was ‘into fitness’ to walk with me and to meet up every Sunday to train for the long distance that was in our future. We trained for this from December to March…the worst part of the year here in southern Ontario. We walked through rain, sleet, hard snow, ice, soft fluffy snow….we found every public bathroom there was to find!

I couldn’t find snow pants to fit my size 28 body…

I couldn’t find snow pants to fit my size 28 body so I walked in two pairs of the loosest track pants I could find, with a long raincoat to cover my butt – to spare anyone driving by with all the jiggling and wiggling. I struggled to even stay within eye sight of my fit and thin friend. I kept up a steady stream of self-talk for hours on end to get myself through those days. There were lots of negative thoughts to be pushed away with ‘just one step at a time’ thoughts. There were days that I would come home to stand in a hot shower and cry my heart out. Who was I to think that I could do something like this? I was a loser. I was fat. I was a big fake with none of this so-called self-confidence. Loser. Fat. Ugly. Those words kept playing over and over in my head. I was breaking my own heart. But somewhere inside me, I would not give up. I kept heading out for my training walks eventually getting up to over 55km in one week.
The day of the race came, there were thousands signed up for this…and me. Fat Linda. I walked. I walked and walked. Head down, one foot in front of the other. At the 18 kilometre mark I was looking for a way off the course – but couldn’t find any! What the heck? Shouldn’t there be buses standing by to pick up those who couldn’t finish? If there were, I didn’t see them. And I was not about to approach someone at a drink station, the fat girl, to see how I could get out of this thing. So, on I trudged. I felt every ounce of my weight working against me. I was passed by almost 7000 spandexed bums. I crossed the electronic finish line 5 hours and 25 minutes later. My friends…my crowd…went wild! I cried. I’m crying as I remember this moment.

This was the exact moment that changed my life…

I was never so proud of myself in my life. True, honest pride. Amazement. Self-knowledge. My heart knew I could do it. It only had to prove it to me.
Since then, virtually nothing has stood in my way to be a healthier me. This is what this journey has been about. Not about being ‘thin’. Not about seeing a certain number on the scale. Not about fitting into a certain size. I read everything I could get my hands on about nutrition. I listened to my body. What made it feel good. What made it feel too good. What was the difference? Well anything that is too good – probably is too good to be true. I dropped the ‘too good’s’ from my diet and like an apple falling from a tree, my weight fell … Fat Linda began her journey of disappearance.
As I carried on with my fitness I felt the need to attach myself, yet again, to ‘something’. I needed a goal. One evening I was following one click to another on the internet and I came across a bodybuilding site. I was looking for ‘Motivations’ and along came this story of a woman who went from being obese to being in a bodybuilding competition at the age of 50. I had never even known anything about bodybuilding at the time. Bunch of ‘muscle bound dick heads’ is all I associated bodies like that with! The minute I read that article I knew this was IT! This is what I was going to do!

That would be me someday!

I found a bodybuilding trainer in my area and with all the fake courage I could muster I met her and signed on! Over the next 2 ½ years I gave my all to my coach, my training, my nutrition and I lost, shed, pee’d out….over 150 lbs. I carved a body that I truly never knew existed.
With a laser like focus I did not waiver from my nutrition or my training. I learned to eat, and like, foods that I never ate before. I learned to love the feel of aching muscles. To laugh when my muscles failed me at the end of a gruelling set. To grit my teeth and ‘suck it up’ when all I wanted to do was puke or cry – and sometimes both.
I was too intimidated by ‘fit’ people to workout in a gym, so I built a gym in my home. Nothing got in my way. I had lose skin from losing so much weight and at my age, it was not about to spring back to anything resembling ‘youth’! So I had a full body lift where I was cut completely around my body, the skin pulled up, cut off and re-joined. I had an inner thigh lift as well. Nothing got in my way. I began official competition training 8 weeks after the surgery and 20 weeks out from the competition date. I had all kinds of people tell me that I was ‘too skinny’. I now had people judging me again for the way my body looked. Men stared. Women scowled. And yet, among people who ‘live the lifestyle’, I found acceptance, admiration and support.
When I told people that I was going into a ‘bodybuilding’ competition I had a lot of negative feedback. Everyone thought I would turn into a hulking male-like figure. “You don’t want to look like that!” I could not believe that they didn’t see what I did. The discipline. The drive. The guts. Female bodybuilders do not have to be ‘men with boobs’! I came onstage with no sparkles (and believe me, I live for sparkles!) and no heels – but I was still all about the hair and makeup, lashes and nails. I posed with female flair and hard-ass confidence. That being said, I didn’t not win and I did not expect to. My body will never be completely acceptable in this industry – there has been too much of a lifetime of stretched skin. But I was very successful in being a FEMALE bodybuilder … in bringing every ounce of estrogen that is me into a perceived male dominion. Even within the ‘industry’, female bodybuilding has fewer competitions, less categories, less press. It frustrates me to get excited about an upcoming show only to find out there is no female BB. We need more women willing to kick off their heels and come to the pose-down!

But I’m just the fat chick. Who’s going to listen to me

I am now in training for power lifting. I want to further strengthen my body. I want to build my inner grit along with my outward muscle. I am on a quest to forever challenge my body, my mind and my self belief. I have gone from seeking acceptance to being a role model. And once again, I have signed up for the marathon this year. I have come full circle and am so excited to find out what the next chapter of this fabulous life will bring me!
There is no easy way to go from being obese to being fit. There is no magic. I am not going to tell you anything foolish or foofie! There is only one way to get from being heavy to lifting heavy and that is one day at a time, one pound at a time…one heartbeat at time.
This is what I believe in. This is what I live. This is my journey.

The Price of a Dream

One of the reasons I want to have this blog, and expand upon this blog, is not only to help me track what I'm doing...not only to encourage and inspire anyone who may stumble upon these ramblings to pursue their "I can't"s .. (I'm sure that isn't proper spelling...), not just to show my stuff or make you have a few laughs at my mistakes and shinanigans...but to dig a little deeper.

Make myself think...feel...explore...and poke into dark, scarey places...

Maybe make you think ... about the choices we make and how they affect everyone around us.

I am constantly evolving. Sometimes I take myself on such a whirlwind I don't even know the whys and whereabouts of my choices. When I made the choice to take the road to entering a bodybuilding competition I truly had no SANE idea of what it would take, what I would do to achieve it, who I would meet, what paths it would lead me down.

In retrospect, six months later, I sort of see what others must have seen in me - although I didn't notice it at the time.

I was driven.
...and I have never been a driven, intense person to such an extent

I was selfish - at times ...
...and I have always been the giver, the 'give in-er'

I got a little pissy
...and that is not what I normally show people, although if you ask my kids they will tell you "it's" there!

BUT ... i wanted to BE a bodybuilder. I really had no clue what that meant. I could only come up with my own mental version of what that had to be. I admit, sometimes... ah hem... double ahhh hemmmm... I can be a tinyyyyy bit controlling.... I like what I like the way I like it, what can i say! (trust me, I'm working on this less than stellar personality trait...! LOL)

This came out. I didn't mean it to. I didn't want it to. My body was literally trying to survive. It didn't have time, ENERGY or room to be nicey-nice all the time.

I'm sure I did things that weren't normal "Linda" things to do.
I'm positive I probably said things that "Linda" normally wouldn't say.

I NEEDED wayyyyy too much. I PUSHED a little hard.

I wanted this experience SO badly!!

I was cold...all the time.
I was hungry...all the time.
I was so very tired, phsyically and mentally...all the time.
I was self-concious, of my dried wrinkled skin, my popping veins, my sunken cheeks...all the time.

..and as there is some famous saying "it was the best of times and it was the worst of times"...

and ever since that AMAZING MOMENT ... and even though I came in last ... and even though it took every last ounce of courage that I could eke out of my drained body to walk on that stage...to be 'judged'... I know there are people...who see me differently.

They saw the side of Linda that really never showed itself before. The side of Linda that would probably come out if stranded on a desert island, foraging for survival...

Some applaud the change.

Others have left my side.

There is a price to every dream coming true.

Buts and Butts and Other Random Musings...

I can't believe it's been a little over a 6 weeks since I've been here!! Where have i been? What have i done?? Geez, all i know is that time just escapes, like air out of my belly during ab exercises!! LOL

I am down to 17 weeks out from competition date. I've done a lot... A LOT...of waffling on whether or not i will put myself out there....specifically to put my BUTT on the line...in the thong...facing strangers.... ! What an odd thing to do, really, when you think about it, but i will survive it. It won't be the best butt i will ever be on stage with, but it's my beginner butt!! LOL

There have been a few changes i've gone through both physically, mentally and emotionally in the past little while...although sometimes painful, always lead to growth if you truly allow yourself to get to the centre of the stimulus. Actually getting past your walls that you put up, your own self-defence mechanisms....pushing past that to the places you don't want to face is what will really get you to where you want to be...once again, on all fronts...

MENTALLY - if you know me at all, you know that i have this hang-up about training 'with people' ... i am the gym-loner, i train at home...few mirrors, no one watching, no one judging...it is my safety zone. Well this past month i finished a 4 month Next Level training seminar, coached by both Frances Manias (http://www.physiquecoach.com/) and Krista Schaus (http://www.definingedge.ca/) AND held at the Pheonix Fitness location in Ancaster. Yes, held in a gym...where "people" were working out... Talk about majorrrrr anxiety attack!! Mentally i still felt like i was the fat 12 year old going into gym class, knowing everyone would stare and make fun. Hmmmmm... deep breath.... It didn't happen! I know, i know .... we are all adults now, but surrounded by mirrors and extremely fit and hard-working people I actually 'fit in'.... I had to face the fact that I am as equally or perhaps even more fit than many who were there. Do you know how HARD that was for me to accept...? Internally?? Slowly that closed gate in my head began to open ... to see the real me .... As my friend Renee Willis frequently says, we have to get to the 'difficult difficult' ... think about that...it's a pretty powerful thought - and admission...

EMOTIONALLY - "the definition of stupidity is repeating the same behaviour and expecting different results". Rest assured I have been following a pattern in my life that truly defines me a 'stupid'!! It slapped me in the face. It slapped me in my soul. But i had to face 'the difficult' and admit to myself that yes, that is what I have been doing to me...it's no one else's fault....it's a comfort zone i usually run to and guess what..? it's not been giving me any of the results i sought...it never has....so, and trust me, this has been the hardest facet of my life to 'fess up to, i am pushing that away and making the past the past...yesterday's news....adios, sayonara...buh bye.... onward and upward..... It's not important exactly what my 'stupidity' was, we alllllll have our 'stupidities' .... the important part is, any of us can...and should...face this 'difficult' and change up what we're doing in order to change the results.... whether it's eating what we want but is no good for us, refusing to admit that yeah, you're gonna have to sweat to get the body you want, you're going to have to 'feel the hunger' ( and i mean this in ALL areas of your self - not just your belly) .... and rise above it ... We are all capable of reaching for the joy on the other side of our weaknesses ... if i can work on this - you can too :)

PHYSICAL - Wellllll, here we go! I have my work cut out for me. Muscle to build, body definition to carve, bodyfat to lose. Keeping my spirit and my 'centre' in focus in order to make the rest happen.... I am working HARD. I am training 7 times a week...3 days in a row, rest, 2 days of double training, rest...rinse and repeat... Let me tell you, those double days..which i have not done in any of my training so far....kicks your ass! It's an exhaustion that humbles you...and yet empowers you. I grind it out. I talk myself into 'one last set'. I grunt. I make faces. I commit. The actual physical workouts are one thing. Along with that as you all know - goes the nutrition. It's paying attention to exactly what i'm eating...when i'm eating...what combinations...are my days varied? am i trading up all the different 'colours'? FEEDING every fibre of my body with the most nutrient dense foods that are going to make it soar with energy and give me all the strength i need to grow...and glow...

I am focused on this whole process. I have to be. And fortunately almost every single person i surround myself with totally understands this. They know not to be offended when i say i can't come out to play because i HAVE to sleep... i need my rest to grow.

They know this is a moment in time and i need to honour it.

It's not forever, but it's for now.

Funny little story: i had a luncheon to attend this week and it was being held in an italian - strictly pizza and pasta restaurant - beautiful high quality food - but not food that i can eat and quite frankly, since i don't eat wheat at all, it would be off my list anyhow. What to do... hmmmm..bring my tupperware of food and eat in the car before the lunch? okay, i could do that... but no...i took it in a pretty bag into the restaurant and asked the wait staff if they could just heat it up for me when the main course was being served - 'dietary restriction'... No problem!! I got my lovely grilled fish, brown rice and veggies served to me while everyone else had sauce-laden pasta with large rolls, oil drenched antipasto. Great food - but not my food. It took me a bit of guts to do that, but they had no trouble with it and it was a win-win situation! And i think everyone was a bit jealous.... LOL

I am pushing my body hard....doing abs when i just don't freakin' feel like it...trying (and i emphasize 'trying) to build my butt with specific exercises - everyyyyy dayyyy - on top of whatever i'm training ....going to fatigue on last sets just to push the envelope ... making my cardio increasingly harder - not longer - just harder .... finishing up in a total sweat ... feeling it run from the roots of my hair right down to my sweating knees! Foam rolling after it all ... which is like being in labour all over again ....

The scale is moving in the right direction....pants are getting looser (something must be happening down there, right??! LOL) .... but best of all, as 'restricting' as all of this may sound to many people ... i feel so .....invincible....powerful....almost giddy with purpose .... I am building 'my house' ...and it's the one true thing that is truly mine.... it's ME :)

..... i wish this for everyone .....

Comfort Zone....

Today is marginally better..... the fighting side is starting to get a little annoyed with the wimpy side...there is a stare-off going on...

I was watching Donald Sutherland on the Olympic morning show this morning and he spoke of this Cherokee story which goes something like this:

Inside each of us are 2 wolves fighting. One wolf is anger, pessimism, hate, self-doubt. The other wolf is generosity, love, appreciation, hope. When asked which one wins the fight.... the Cherokee answers 'whichever one you feed'.

So today, after a restless sleep, i walked the 10k...much of it on black ice...very dicey.... did a bunch of 'family cooking' (mac and cheese, meatloaf and mashed potatoes - keeps the boy happy ) , did some 'mexican tofu' - think i pretty much nailed the taste i have been trying to replicate from a local health food store, organized little containers of 1T almond butter as well as 1oz of almonds for the week....keep my fats in line but more importantly - good old Precision Nutrition structure! When you feel you are on the edge, reach for structure... for 'don't have to think about it'....

My coach, Frances, would not encourage me to put myself in any position that would not 'better myself'...and not necessarily meaning that towards just my body but towards my entire inner self...which is always more important to her than any pose or muscle or weight...when it comes to this i leave myself entirely in her hands and in the end i will make the final decision ...

that being said..between watching the Olympics I have been re-reading a log by a friend of mine Renee Willis. ..and Renee...if you are out there... i cannot begin to tell you how many times i've stopped and read, re-read... and stared into my soul and read the same thing over again.... and so here is a passage i want to share with everyone ...because it rocked me

"True growth does not happen in your comfort zone. Comfort zones are limiting zones. To grow is to dive deeply into areas that we naturally refrain; it is there that we will learn lessons that we are intended so we will evolve. A comfort zone is a place of stagnation; a place of slow death. To live fully is to literally get out of your comfort zone and master the areas that hold you back.

I am ALL. I determine my path. I determine the outcome of my path. I determine my ideologies, my goals, and my successes. People, text books, and history do not play a role into my ALL; I will determine my ALL."

I am in a comfort zone of sorts...i realize this now...and i am standing on the precipice of breaking out or staying safe. I know i have to get 'uncomfortable' again...i wish it would come easy but it's not going to...

I can see it in my mind's eye...i can see myself pushing past, so far past, previous limits...i also see how uncomfortable this is going to make many people around
me...people who don't understand...and i know i am in for a battle in many ways

The past few days i have been inspired and fired up! Firstly, i am feeling my 'me' coming back....i am bursting with energy and positiveness and it is only the occasional twinge from body parts and the still-fresh memory of where i was 2 weeks ago that is keeping me from being a complete idiot! lol

I am on the move. Not breaking any land records but moving then resting. Once again, this brings me back to the early early days of this journey when i began with walking..since walking is where i'm at now..and once again i repeat that it is the one thing that anyone can do, in any shape....no excuses. Simple walking, outside in the fresh air, is absolutely invigorating .... for the soul and for the mind i think foremost...and for the body secondly. Without the sense of accomplishment and control and success in the mind, the body will not follow.

When my life was in the absolute toilet - emotionally - i started by walking until the pain went away and then turned around to come home.

Two and half weeks ago, 3 days post surgery, when i was in the most horrid, physically painful state my body has ever been in i somehow, no doubt with angels watching over me, slipped on my runners and went outside under early morning darkness to shuffle 2 houses to the left and 3 houses to the right...just to be 'out there'...because my soul needed it.... I needed it.... like a hand reaching out to a long lost lover i had to get out there...i had to make that connection to know that i would be okay...

Visualization. Motivation. Goal setting. Without setting long term as well as daily and weekly goals, you can't visualize yourself achieving them.... and if you can't visualize it, how can you motivate yourself to find a goal and reach for it....

Random comment - i was watching the Miss America contest last night...yeah, yeah, i knowwwww...lol.. Anyhow, during the pre-show, when they were 'discussing' the various "misses" in their bathing suits, along come Miss Florida, i think it was...and from the girls they had showed up to that point, she had a body very similar to a figure athlete, i would say.... and the comment was made from a former Miss America, and not in a flattering manner, that her body looked like armour. So i guess it wasn't considered "American girl" enough.

The comment "body like armour" stuck in my head. It brought to mind a sort of protection. It is a look i am working hard to achieve... but the word 'protection'? Then it kind of occured to me that being fat....layering my body in heaviness (and i speak in the past as that is the the Linda that used to be) was a form of protection as well. Fat keeps the world at bay...it protects us from having to deal with a lot of people/situations/life...that we probably don't think we're good at, or desirable for .... it 'protects' us....not weakens us, as many would think...

Funny ... interesting perhaps.... that i have chosen to go from fat armour to muscle armour...? Even though the shell has changed the reasons for the shell perhaps have not?? hmmmmmmmmmm........a thought worth exploring when i go for my walk this morning...

But... what i do know is that this armour that i am forging is a healthier support system for the life i so fiercely protect and i am, in the end, the only person i am totally and completely in care and control of...there are many things i do not have the power to change...but i can change me...and be excited doing it !

It's almost 7am and i am back on the couch after sleeping in my own bed last night for the first time. I slept, but i'm not sure if it was better, worse, or the same as the couch.

Yesterday was a pretty good day...managed to make myself a shake in the morning and then take some advil and went for a 2 hour nap...wore me out that much....but as the day proceeded i only had 2 more advil, singularly throughout the day and a T3 at bedtime...those things are evil.

Also, big exciting times...had 'the shower' yesterday. Felt good to be under the hot water with 'the thing' off...a little nauseous between feeling the air on your body and just seeing your body...i looked but didn't stare...lol... so polite eh? ... then getting 'it' back on was sore...but your brain adjusts very quickly to what 'sore' is... thank goodness for friends who are good enough to help thru this whole procedure and pat all your nooks and crannies dry!

This morning i woke up at 6, got myself downstairs...and....shhhhhhh...don't tell my kids.... managed somehow to slip on my runners, coat and mitts...somehow (and don't ask me how now, but once again, how the body chooses to adapt or ignore pain) managed to bend/squat enough to get the leash on the dog and we went outside...beautiful outside cold morning air...for a wee walk...2 houses to the left and 3 to the right...3 times...more like a shuffle and didn't go further since these were the only houses where people had shovelled their walks which are now melted dry instead of frozen over. Yeah, it was sore and my left leg was burning with pain (the right is perfectly fine)...but you have to move and get the blood flowing, get air into your body...and then i had enough, the dog sat patiently while i struggled to get the leash off...popped 2 advil and am now on the couch, under the blanket and the pain is subsiding...

....my new version of the saturday stairs! lol

and other than tackling another shower today i promise that will be my only other 'circuit training' today!

Okay, so you want to hear something funnyyyyyy....this so falls into the category of "too much information Linda"..but what the hell, we're all adults here... heehheeee.. you should be very leary about what i'm about to tell you....hahaha

so, okay, you get this tummy tuck...they pull down your upper belly and pull up your abdomen, lower belly...which includes your pubic area, right..?... stay with me....so yesterday, i'm having a pee...and by now all the leakage had been figured out, padded up, i'm not peering down to see what the heck is going on down there anymore...so i sit..like you know,we all have our position... and i start to pee and i'm peeing straight ahead...like clearing the top of the toilet seat!!!! so i'm thinking...and LAUGHING...when they pull up...they PULL UP!! everything comes with it!! Can you imagine if i have another one of these in my 70's? I'll end up peeing in my eyeballs!!!!

...I'll give you a moment to get the vision out of your head and wipe your eyes from laughing...

Seriously, i'm sure gravity will make everything right again in a short time...but these are the things that no one wants to talk about (no wonder i was the mom that everyone else asked to explain the facts of life to their kids!).... you heard it here first folks!! LOL

now that you've had your laugh, get on with your day while i lollygag on the couch....

The eve....

...of surgery :)

Had a wonderful day today, got things tidied up at work, had a wonderful massage (left major drool pools on the carpet! lol), a long overdue visit with a close friend and coffee with my girl, Frances! What a special person she has become in my life and along this journey....a coach, mentor, and most importantly a friend!

I am so lucky to have, somehow, managed to surround myself with this "crew" of supporters... 'fit friends', singing friends, community volunteer friends...all a part of me, my soul....the pieces that make Linda who she is able to be....

I am pumped and ready for this body transformation...as much as i will be moaning 12 hours from now, saying 'whyyyyy did i do this'...!!

Another friend just called...not to wish me luck...but to wish me peace....

Peace with the past. Peace for the next few hours. Peace for whatever is out there for me in the future...

... thank you

and with that, i will wish you all a peaceful goodnight :)

Welcome to my Blog!

I am so excited to have this blog to share my journey! As you can see from my sidebar picture...there used to be a lot more to this Dashing Diva! In fact, 130 pounds more - but over the past 2 1/2 years i have changed....my eating...my moving...my belief in myself...my life...

From this journey i am now at a point with my body that a little 'tweaking and twanging' need to happen...'need' as in I need it, not that the world needs it, or should care about it..but i care - about all the hard work i've put forth - none of which i regret because this 'work' has taken me to new, unforeseen heights!

What is this 'tweaking'? Plastic surgery. To be exact - a circumferential body lift and a thigh lift. This event takes place 3 days from now, so my first series of blog entries will be chronicalling what is happening to me. The pain, the healing...the glory (let's hope!).

The surgery is only step one...a mere speed bump on the trip to my BIG goal of 2010....

I know...you're on the edge of your seat...

I have decided to compete in a Grand Master Bodybuilding competition in the fall.

This is huge...for me...or truly for anyone, but i want this so bad i can taste it. Do i want it so bad in order to win? Actually no. This will be my first foray into anything like this...although i am no stranger to a stage, this is a stage with barely any clothes on (kinda huge for someone who tipped the scales at 300lbs...) but just to know in my soul that i went from 'there' to 'here'.... WHO WOULD HAVE THUNK IT??!!

So the theme song for this year will be Billy Joel's "You may be right, I may be Crazy"....

....how fitting... :))

Welcome to my blog... thanks for stopping by!