One of the reasons I want to have this blog, and expand upon this blog, is not only to help me track what I'm doing...not only to encourage and inspire anyone who may stumble upon these ramblings to pursue their "I can't"s .. (I'm sure that isn't proper spelling...), not just to show my stuff or make you have a few laughs at my mistakes and shinanigans...but to dig a little deeper.
Make myself think...feel...explore...and poke into dark, scarey places...
Maybe make you think ... about the choices we make and how they affect everyone around us.
I am constantly evolving. Sometimes I take myself on such a whirlwind I don't even know the whys and whereabouts of my choices. When I made the choice to take the road to entering a bodybuilding competition I truly had no SANE idea of what it would take, what I would do to achieve it, who I would meet, what paths it would lead me down.
In retrospect, six months later, I sort of see what others must have seen in me - although I didn't notice it at the time.
I was driven.
...and I have never been a driven, intense person to such an extent
I was selfish - at times ...
...and I have always been the giver, the 'give in-er'
I got a little pissy
...and that is not what I normally show people, although if you ask my kids they will tell you "it's" there!
BUT ... i wanted to BE a bodybuilder. I really had no clue what that meant. I could only come up with my own mental version of what that had to be. I admit, sometimes... ah hem... double ahhh hemmmm... I can be a tinyyyyy bit controlling.... I like what I like the way I like it, what can i say! (trust me, I'm working on this less than stellar personality trait...! LOL)
This came out. I didn't mean it to. I didn't want it to. My body was literally trying to survive. It didn't have time, ENERGY or room to be nicey-nice all the time.
I'm sure I did things that weren't normal "Linda" things to do.
I'm positive I probably said things that "Linda" normally wouldn't say.
I NEEDED wayyyyy too much. I PUSHED a little hard.
I wanted this experience SO badly!!
I was cold...all the time.
I was hungry...all the time.
I was so very tired, phsyically and mentally...all the time.
I was self-concious, of my dried wrinkled skin, my popping veins, my sunken cheeks...all the time.
..and as there is some famous saying "it was the best of times and it was the worst of times"...
and ever since that AMAZING MOMENT ... and even though I came in last ... and even though it took every last ounce of courage that I could eke out of my drained body to walk on that stage...to be 'judged'... I know there are people...who see me differently.
They saw the side of Linda that really never showed itself before. The side of Linda that would probably come out if stranded on a desert island, foraging for survival...
Some applaud the change.
Others have left my side.
There is a price to every dream coming true.
